Mea culpa. Mea maximus culpa. My name is Mary. How may I help you? No, sir, this is not a joke. Yes, I get that question at least five times a day. The road to innovation is paved with suspicion, right? Now, how may I help you?
You bought a Groupon for our basic service? Sure, I can help with you that. Would you be interested in learning a bit more about our deluxe services? You would? Wonderful.
So the Groupon you bought is for a one-time basic expiation. Basic is defined by a run-of-the-mill infraction. You forgot to pick up the dry cleaning. You cut someone off while driving. All the way up to a misdemeanor defense of accidental shoplifting. Of course, the Mea Culpalgorithm will make the final determination of whether your sin qualifies for the basic service. But most of the time, you go right to expiation.
Here’s what happens when you expiate. Think of it as attending confession or taking communion in a far more efficient and customer-friendly manner. No getting dressed. No embarrassment. No judgment. If you download our iPhone or Android app, you will be absolved wherever you have a signal. Otherwise, all I have to do is transfer you to the Mea Culpautomaton and you follow the prompts.
Expiation occurs nearly instantaneously. Trust me, you will know when it works. While I have never had the experience, I heard that it is like waking up on a beautiful spring morning without a single care in the world. It is like losing five pounds with your feet never touching the floor. You have never felt so easy as when you have been expiated. Doesn’t that sound nice?
You really are curious, aren’t you? Most people aren't. They simply hit submit and they’re done. No, I am not suggesting you are trying to hide anything, just complimenting your thoroughness.
So how do I explain what happens? First, you should understand that I am just a customer service representative. I have been here for slightly more than a year. Although I have been completely trained, I am not an engineer or a programmer. I won’t be eligible to be a Mea Culpasultant for a year. As I understand it, sins are like matter. You can neither create nor destroy them. Your sin still exists; it is just not your responsibility any more. Your sin is lifted off your shoulders. You can’t feel bad about them as hard as you could try. It is simply gone.
Where does it go? We have facilities all over the world. Mostly in Asia; in Malaysia, China, Singapore, but our main expiation facility is outside Bangalore, India. We have nearly three thousand expiation contractors here. It is quite an impressive facility. Clean and modern. Full of happy well-paid people. Well, not happy, but that’s the point, isn’t it? You can’t feel happy until they don’t. But they are well compensated, especially for the more deluxe services such as Mortal Sin Absolution, one of our most advanced services. Would you like to learn more?
All staff in our Mortal Sin Division are top notch, thoroughly trained and fully prepared to assume the gravest infractions. You can see the weight resting on their shoulders. It is almost heroic. Before we changed the rules, some consultants would assume the guilt of five people at the same time.
Poor people, they look like they haven’t slept in days with great pig purple bags under the eyes. Their skin is like an elephant’s with big dusty wrinkles all over. They can barely look you in the eye. When they speak, it is barely more than a whisper. They just sit there and pant. A body can only take so much.
You saw the 60 Minutes exposé about consultants skipping lunch to expiate sins under the table—as it were? And, while it pains me, the rumors are true. Certain managers offered overtime to those who took on more than the approved allotment of sins. Strictly against policy and I can assure the managers were fired—after having their own complimentary expiations revoked and all the quote unquote multisinners were taken immediately to the infirmary.
Long-term effects? None that I am not aware of. I assume they live as long of life as befits their environment. Please remember, they are paid way better than their neighbors. Their children are educated at excellent schools and they get a pension and life insurance. I can’t tell you what the line looks like when we have recruiting events, which we do once a quarter, but are thinking about moving up to monthly.
Eventually absolution takes its toll on the strongest and they have to stop. They aren’t thrown out on the street; they can always move to the Culpable Division. Unlike absolution, there is no actual transference of guilt. You simply have somebody to blame. So long as it is not considered a crime in your legal jurisdiction, we will take the hit. For a slight upcharge, we will sign any document to attest to your guiltlessness and, for ten dollars more, we will send you a certificate suitable for framing.
Now, how can I help you? Expiation? Absolution? Or Guiltlessness? We also offer package deals. Why did I ask? No reason. I just wanted you to know.